To Soldier Boy & Mei Li

Your worlds might feel like it's all falling apart. As does mine. It may feel like no matter what you do, everything just keeps sinking further into that never ending hole of darkness. You know what I thought the other day? How is it possible that we're all in 3 different countries and yet we're all feeling the same thing. Feeling like there's nothing more that we could possibly do. Feeling like the only thing we want to do is crawl into Jin's room, lie there and talk shit for the whole night. Then go to McD's at 3am for sundaes.

But there is a silver lining. What you may ask? Well it took me awhile to find mine. But I found 2.

You guys. My 'sisters'.

You may be far *EMILY EMILY OUR SONG! well sort of*, but its comforting to know that you're both there. And ranting has taken a technological aspect. LOL.
So when you feel like there's no way out, and you want to emo alone... DONT!
COME ONLINE INSTEAD! hehe.
And even if no one's online, just sit and stare at our names on your little msn box and think of all the times we sat, lay and molested each other. HAHA!
Oh, but make sure you do this when theres no one around, because if you are staring at the screen then suddenly burst out in laughter or start crying, people may think you're crazier than they previously thought. NOT GOOD.

And most importantly, remember that....

I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY MUCH!! with every fibre of my being.
(And my Blacklist is open for additions. There's also a new Voldemort list if the Black one isn't enough :D)

Dubizzle so far

Since I haven't put up any photos of my time back, I feel like they're due up. There were many occasions where none of us brought a camera or couldn't be bothered to take any pictures especially beach & pool outings. But these are some of the pics so far. Enjoy :D

Syeila, Sil & I - Shakespeare

Syeila & I - in her garden after shisha at 3am

Eb & Ramizah - stuffing face at 3am

Eb, Nawaf, Me & Sil - Casa

Eb & I - our first picture this winter. The plan is to take many many photos, because we do indeed suck at taking photos together

Because you're not here..

When I need you, you're not here. But it's not your fault. I know how much you want to be here. You know how much I need you here with me. I miss you so much its unbelievable. Because you're not here, this is the only way I can let it all out. There isn't anyone here who compares to you.

I've never felt so much pain. Honestly. But what did I expect right? I mean really, at the back of my mind, I knew it would end this way. So why am I still so upset? Why can't I stop crying? Why can't I think of anything else?

I thought I'd be ok, I thought I'd already prepared myself for this. So why is it so much worse? Maybe because finally it's officially over. Maybe because even the slightest hope is now gone. Maybe because I now realise that I've been lying to myself all this time. Allowing myself to believe things that really weren't there. Letting myself fall into that stupid well of hope. Telling myself that 'maybe one day...' when really one day never existed in the first place. But honestly, I don't know.

I need you here to tell me why this is all happening. I need you to sit and comfort me. I need you to just be that person I always turn to when anything happens. Simply, I just need you here with me. There are other people around, people who I'm thankful for. But they don't know me like you do. They aren't you.

Come back soon. Come back so I have you in my life again. Come back so in times like this I have you near. Come back so I have someone to cry with, someone to give me a hug, to lie down with me for hours doing nothing but taking in the comfort that you're next to me. But most importantly, come back so you can make me laugh and smile, bring back the me that you know. Because right now, I don't know where she is.

I miss you.

A little birthday wish

Ok so I know technically, its the next day. But the internet messed up yesterday, so I can only do this now.

On the 14th November, my love turned a year older. Yes, you got that right. This post is dedicated to that one amazing individual we all know as Rosa Martorana! Rosa, my darling, HAPPYYY BIRTHDAYYY!!! I know you aren't as old as the rest of us, but you did turn a WHOLE year older.


I'm so sorry I wasn't there to celebrate with you! But I'm sure you had a ball, maybe not as fantastic had i been there, but a ball nonetheless.

I just wanted to say thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Even from all the way over here. And yes, distance does SUCK big time! Despite that, I still got to wish you twice, although one was more of a wake up call. That by the way, was not my fault, Eb wanted to wish you. We've only been friends a few months, and yet I feel closer to you compared to others. And can I just add....we are AMAZING at keeping in touch! Well, for our first week apart anyway, but that's still something.

So, have an amazing summer (I'm secretly hoping you aren't going to Malaysia next semester) and an incredibulous year ahead!! I miss you more than you can imagine! AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!

*HUGGIEEE*

A Quick One

Because I've been harassed by some people, I'm now updating my blog. But seriously, nothing's been happening. HONEST!

But anyway, just to update people. Been out a few times with the gang. We went to this new cafe, Casa Cafe, twice now, because Eb loves the place. I'm getting acquired. I haven't had hummus or shisha yet. I know. My plans for the holidays are sooo burned. But I've only been back a few days. I think I'll go do both tomorrow. Yes, THATS THE PLAN! Eb and I went to Shu yesterday for a quick dinner. Arabic Food! YUM! It was nice to finally be able to chill with him alone. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone else, but it was nice to be able to properly catch up and chit chat about things that can't be said in front of everyone else. You guys get it.

Yesterday, mummy and us girls went to the tailors to get our clothes made for the wedding in Goa (T-5 days btw!). Kak Diah & I also went for a morning coffee. It's been too long since we'd done that. We celebrated her first day free from the 'clutches of evil'!

Today we're going to Kak Rayne's place, just to chill. I AM IN LOVE WITH BABY YAYA! OMG! She truly is the CUTEST baby in the world. If we get back early enough, I may go with Tony and the rest to Central Perk. And I REALLY need to see Syeila! I've been cancelling! Not on purpose. We were meant to go out yesterday, but then turns out Eb had the car and my sister needed ours. But Syeila love, tonight or tomorrow! I PROMISE!

Oh, also, there aren't going to be pictures for awhile, since my camera has decided to die on me, and I'm in the process of getting a new one. So in the meantime, live with my beeyouuteeful words instead. LOL.

OH OH! GOOD LUCK TO ROSA FOR HER FINAL PAPER!
*And a quick congrats to Desmond & Ems for finally finishing their exams!*

Nothing beats the feeling

After 15 hours on my ass, entertained by a jolly lolly-giving English man, I finally arrived in Dubai. My light at the end of the tunnel for the past 10 months. It is soo warm. I do appreciate not haivng to wear a jacket everywhere, but it is also nice if there wasn't 300% humidity!!!

BUT! Nothing beats the feeling of being home. My house, my room, my bathroom...everything. I even managed to sneak in a drive although that was a bit risky doing that after having not slept for close to 30 hours.

I did manage to meet up with Silvia and EB. Sil screamed, EB figured it out mostly. But it was all worth it. Met a few more people today, awesome people. So had an AMAZING first day and night back. Can't wait for more!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IBU!

Today belongs to a woman who takes up all of my heart and who I will never be able to repay for everything she's done for me. That's right. Today, today my mum turns a year older. And also turns the Big Five Oh. So Mummy Mushu, HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY!!! Thank you for always being there for me. I couldn't ask for anything more. You've loved me regardless of what stupid decision I've made. You're my best friend in the whole world, the one person I tell everything to, even things you don't always want to hear. We laugh together, we cry together, we bitch together...what else can a girl ask for? Even when I'm so far away, you're always there. Even through my crazy phases, my vegetarian phase, my no fast food phase, my no carbs phase; you put up with all of that. In fact, you were probably quite amused. Hehe.
I love you with all of my heart! Thank you for everything! I hope one day to be an amazing mother to my children just like you are to us!
See you soon! 2 weeks beybeh!

Also, a belated Happy Birthday to:
Ayah - 53! WOOHOO! Love you!
My twin - Welcome to the 20's bacha!
Kak Ina - Welcome to the 30's. Hehehe.
Fairuz - Oh gracious you can legally drive.

Gosh, October's full.

A 'Girls' Night

After a week at the boys' place, we decided we needed a girls' night. And the boys were quite happy about the idea.
So Em & I started off our day with a trip to Vic Market - shopping for everyone back home. Then, we went to get the essentials for the night ahead. With the face masks, nail polish, lavender essential oil & the burning of Yantra incense through the house...we basically sissy-fied the boys in that house. They didn't complain one bit. We're so proud *beams*

Emily getting the face mask - like a little girl in the aisle

Jin getting massaged

Emily sissy-fying her boyfriend

Annabelle (the newest addition to the house) putting the face mask on her boyfriend [Josh]

After she got hers on, this was the result

The boys & girl with their masks (Desmond, Jason, Arnold, Belle, Josh)

Wicked

So much for keeping my blog constantly updated. Well with the assignments, all-nighters, and exams coming up, I'm a little excused. The past week, Em and I have been living at Jin's place, just because it's more convenient. We'd study until midnight then crash at their place, and do it all over again the next day. Despite all the studying though, we managed to watch my first (and the MOST AMAZING) musical: WICKED at Regent's Theatre.

Here are the pics:

Flopping my hair upside down - to get it looking less flat

The new & super cute couple - Jason & Emily

Our brother (sister?) getting dressed

Us at the Regent's - Emily, Jason, Arnold, Jin & I

Jin & I - on the way back home (notice my super sparkly earring?! *beams)

The boys getting a bit frisky on the train

The essential cam-whore picture

Buttmunchers forever!!!

Yesterday night was another all nighter, literally didn't sleep. I had an assignment to finish off. But it did give me a chance to chat to my lover! I got a message the other day from my mum, "Adek, aisha's leaving on the 3rd with her dad".

And I promise you I teared. It's weird I know. I'm not there anyway, but the thought of going back and not having her there is weird beyond belief. It's like Dubai's going to be empty.
But I wish her all the luck and love in the world on her journey into a new chapter of her life. I'm going to miss her even more than I have everyday that I've been away.

Muchachu, have fun! Be strong! I'm always here no matter the time of day!
JALAVYOUU FOREVER BEYBEH!

A new discovery!!

Ok the rest of you might think I'm a bit of a retard for not having found out about this earlier. But in my defense... who did I really need to video call?

Yes, thats right, this weekend, I discovered the art of a video calling! Don't you give me those looks!
So I decided to call the one person I hadn't seen in about 10 months and also I was dying to see! [Believe me, with the reactions when he picked up the phone, I can say the feeling was quite mutual] And anyway, I was meant to phone him. So decided to kill 2 birds with one stone!

We spoke for about 2 hours. And the fun we had! SERIOUSLY! We would've webcam-ed earlier except SOME people have Macs and so cant webcam with us normal Windows people. So you can just imagine the excitement! I met the people that were over at his house, his mum too - which made me squeal a little, coz I was SO not expecting to say hi to his mum. He just went: *turns phone* Mum, say hi to Raudhah. I was like *choke* oh hello!
He was finally able to meet my cousins that I keep talking so much about. And were they amused at him being on the phone! And this is what came out of that conversation: -

Told you he was excited

At 6am, we were both quite tired by then. But neither wanted to put the phone down, so we put the phones on the bed and lay there talking.

Stories along a princess highway

So last weekend, and pretty much all of last week, was spent at Jin's place.
Jin - for those who dont already know - is an ex-Farrer soldier boy, who also coincidentally happened to live in Dubai 15 years ago, and whose parents know mine. Small world much?
He has become a rock in my life. Someone there to always turn to. And no matte what the problem, he will always have a way to cheer me up - random youtube vids - and will always be there. This weekend, his friends were added to my list of friends I consider dear to me. They climbed up the list past people I'd known for longer. Well Done Boys!

So after friday night - Emily's 21st bash - we went back to their place and after many hours of chatting, stayed the night. Walked back the next day in my dress, jin's shirt, heels holding my clutch and a plastic bag. Random?! Yes it was. I felt like the whore-from-the-night-before. That night, Ems and I returned to their place for the sake of chilling, and spent the night again, woke up the next day, showered there, went to their football match, had a bbq, then a cake and ice cream celebration for our Mei Li.


Stayed the night AGAIN, and the next day I got up early to go to class. Mon, Tues & Wed were spent in my own room - the one I hadnt seen in over 4 days. Then Thursday night, after studying at the lib, we decided to take a half hour walk to get to McD's, and everyone had gone hyper by then, so we only slept at 5am, I woke up in a stupor 5 hours later to go to my site visit.

And although I didn't get much sleep the whole past week, new friends were made, I realised that even people you would never think of could brighten up your day even without them knowing.

So, here's a BIG THANK YOU [UBER MUCHOS] to the boys who entertained and put up with me! You guys made my week!

Jason & Jin on the pornstar bed - satin sheets and all

Emily & Jin - this is a girl does to a boy playing PS2 when bored

And this is what she does to her girlfriends.

Jason - rearrangin his room at 5am, as was Jin
Desmond - after McD's waiting for the cab

When you want to go home

There are always times when you want to go home, especially when home is so far away, when you haven't been back in awhile, when you know people will be missing when you get there, when where you are right now is just not a place you want to be.

This is one of those times.

A time where my heart aches for the people I grew up with, those who were there with me in times of tears and joy, those who'll just hug me when they don't know what to say, those who sit on the phone for hours on end in silence just to make sure I was ok.

I'll be home in about 6 weeks, and yet the closer home gets, the more I yearn to be there.

You all know who you are. I miss you all with all of my heart and soul.
Thank you for all the support, love, hugs and kisses over the years.
My life would be empty without you.

Can't wait to see you.

Happy Mummy's Day

I know this is a bit late, but I've been super busy with studying. Exams start on Monday... DEATH!

Anyway, I wanted to wish all the mums out there HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
It was about 2 weeks ago. But better late than never right.
Just a little message for my mummy, who I couldn't be with on this day. Since she's back home in dubai, and I'm halfway across the world in oz land.

Ibu, I love you soooo much! You're more than just my mum, you're my best friend. I miss you everyday. You always make me laugh when I talk to you. It's hilarious coz my friends dont believe that we so chilling! HEHE. But still I respect you, and I pray that one day I can become just like you. An amazing wife, an amazing mother and an amazing person! You have such a pure heart and so much love inside it.

I can't wait to see you in 3 weeks!!! Even if it's just for a week!

I love you, Bu!!

Insects!

On CNY 08
Graduation

For Salim...

On the 23rd May 2008, the world lost a loved young boy, Salim E.l.

I only met him a few times during my winter back in Dubai through mutual friends, but he was this sweet and happy boy. He was always smiling I remember. I also noticed that he was very close to his sister, Nadia and to some of the friends that we both knew.

From all that I've read, Salim has made a mark in this world and in the hearts of all those he left behind. They will never forget you Salim.

For Nadia & her family: All I can say is to be strong. Insha'allah, time will heal. We are all praying for you in this time of pain. You are all surrounded by people who love you and loved Salim, and I know that they are there for you if you need them. Reach out to them and allow them to comfort you.

Nadia, you are one strong girl, and I know that you can get through this. And like you've already told me, he's in a safe place now, no one can harm him. He'll be looking down at you and protecting you. He's always going to be there with you, no matter what.

Salim, rest in peace. Allah Yar7amik.

(L) 12th February 1993 - 23rd May 2008 (L)

Study wars

So it's that time of the semester again...exams!

Everyone just about 2 weeks away from the first final, and are officially freaking out. Some more so than others, but my theory is the rest of them just hide it better. Inside...they're probably close to shitting themselves. And that thought is what keeps me happy :D

Ems and i have started our daily marathon at the library. The past few days we've gone at about 10am, slaved through the day and head home to feed ourselves and rest at round 8pm. Every couple of hours we'd take a little break to go to the bathroom or to nourish-ify ourselves. Our second day, Nikhil and Indar joined as well. And we realised that we hadn't studied like that for a long time. It was strangely comforting. We were also joined by two new study mates: Yihaur & Ying Hoe.

The plan is to do this everyday till exams are over. Hopefully that'll all follow through.

Study as hard as we may, but sometimes too much can make you go a little mad.....

Emily snacking on a mix-breed snake

Indar studying hard...

And then boredom/too-much-info-in-brain-syndrome sets in

A small gesture goes a long way

Emily asked me to go on DC...she said she had something on there for me.
So on I went.. and there i found a file - "Raudhah's New Bible".
I downloaded it, and found that it was a collection of aobut 30 songs.
Emily demanded i listen to the songs in the order she'd put them.
I was abit confused in the beginning...
Ems explained that it was to help me start the process of healing.

This is why I love her. It meant so much to me that she spent time and effort to make me feel better. She probably doesnt know how much it means to me! Unable to describe in words.

So ems, thank you sooo much! For this and for helping me that Wednesday night. I love you to bits!!

xxx

Friday Night Out

I realise that the past few posts are all done on the same day, but I needed to get things out of my system. I'd decided after the events of the week that I needed to go and blow off some steam. Emily agreed. So last night the plan was put into place.

We had already booked tickets to watch A Clockwork Orange - performed by our own uni students. So Alya, Jenny, Ems & I headed down. Overall, they pulled it off quite well...the realistic puking, the actors ability to choke and cough for a good hour without actually spewing, and the cute guys that were in the play (admired by Jenny & I - Ems had her eye on hat-man).

The second part of the night was saved for getting decently smashed and having a good time. It was initally just us girls going. The guys all had other plans. But in the end they came along, and the 10 of us headed into the city...destination - Melbourne Lions. We met two of Emily's friends there and the bunch of us just partied the night away.

I didn't actually think we'd have as much fun at a bar than at a club. Oh was i wrong. We got there close to midnight, so we all got going on the drinking. The bartender even made specialised drinks for us...downside? Not knowing what they were called and now probably not going to get it again *sigh*. There was also a dance floor, one that i was unaware of until a good half hour after we'd gotten there. The music was okay at the beginning of the night, but got SOO much better towards the end.

All in all it was an amazing night! We got to know each other so much better. Some people were very happy that they decided to come, and i was glad they did. Mission for the night accomplished!! And WAYY better than i expected!

Us - notice the guys in standing in height order...pure coincidence!

Alya & I - abit the excited

Act cute konon!

Ems not really keen on taking a drink of electric blue stuff

Ems & I

At the end of the night

Grief

Last week was probably one of the worst i've had since returning to uni. You could say i brought it upon myself. But i had reached that point where i was simply tired...emotionally, mentally and physically. I knew that i had to do something about it. And with a little help from my person here, i did just that. I was warned it was going to hurt, i even knew it. I knew the answers that my questions would bring out, but knowing and hearing are two different things. I learnt one thing...no matter how much you prepare yourself, it's never what you expected.

I never expected any of this to happen, i didn't want this. All i wanted was to go home and bask in the comfort of being around people who knew me, inside and out. I don't regret the things that i've experienced, everything happens for a reason after all. But i do wish that everything would just solve itself now.

I really didn't go out looking for something to happen. It just did. That's how things are sometimes. You can't stop the feelings that suddenly flood in. Especially when you refuse to admit to having them and having others point it out to you first. I know that we're friends, and i'm glad we are, but it doesnt change the fact that you know i like you. Or the fact that you already know this. I don't know whether you realise what you say and what it may mean or if you're just teasing me. I blame myself more than I blame you, because at the end of the day, I can't force you to have the same feelings. But that doesn't mean you can't be upfront with me...the answers you've always given are all so vague. You tell other people something different to what you tell me.

You know what hurts even more? The fact that you can even think that the things that i've done or said have all come from the part of me that likes you. Remember one thing, i'm your friend first and foremost. All the things that we've talked, laughed, taken the piss out of are all from the part of me thats your friend. And you can't even approach any of this seriously. The one intense conversation we had scared me because for once you weren't joking or forcing humour into the convo.

I don't know how long it will take for us to be ok. I need to cut you out, thats the only way i can get over this. You didn't want anything to change, but don't you see that's easier for you? I put my heart out on the line and you just laughed it off. I love you as my friend, but i just need my space now.

We learnt yesterday that tears have a certain chemical in them, it's absorbed and acts as a sedative. At least i know that i'll get some sleep from that.

Last weeks in dxb..

The last few weeks that I spent in Dubai were those which I will remember forever. I've told many people already, but this was probably my best ever summer(winter?) holiday. The things I experienced in the past 2 months cannot be compared to anything else. The good, the bad, the best and the worst. The memories I'll have of this winter will stay with me forever.

First off, lets start with the family.
I loved spending all that time with the family. Ayah took a week off work the week I was leaving which meant sooo much to me. Couldn't really believe that he did that. I spent so much time with him and my mum. My sisters were around here and there, and I got to chill with them as well. Having to repack my suitcase was NOT the best thing in the world. I left that to the very last day. Packed everything within an hour or so. We also celebrated Kak Diah's b'day together, for the first time in about 7 years. It was GORRGEOUS!!!

The b'day girl with parents....

3R's...reunited again
Aisha –
like always, even 3 months wasn't enough. We spent my last weekend in dxb with a nice girls Valentine’s night…cha, me, sil, nur, azza & fareeha. Spent the night at her place and did our tradition of 3am manakeesh, except this time sil came along and we RAN back. And oh, that night had so many memories…the observing, the over-mentioning of certain people. But we all had a good laugh. I’ve also reaslised that when I go back next, she may not be there. I can’t bear that thought. Since we were young, we made plans…to go to uni together, get married together and our children will be besties. But reality sinks in and we know that sometimes the things we plan isn’t exactly how life turns out. Cha, good luck for exams!!! Rock them beb!!

Valentine's with the girls - free, me, sil, aisha, azza & nur Us + Kak Diah's leg - at Chocolate Factory Us on CNY dinner
The then-new-now-close friends –
I met some new people last winter…under some very strange circumstances. We were all pretty much thrown together, and yet the chemistry was just there. I clicked with one the girls especially…she’s become someone who I trust and can always count on to be there when I need her, even when I’m halfway across the world. She’s become closer than I would’ve ever imagined. The only guy that usually comes out with us girlies also became an amazing friend. Even halfway across the world from them, they still ask me for advice as if I were still back home.

Pictures say a thousand words…so enjoy…

My last night - e.b, sil & i

V'day - Sil n I

Sil, Israa, Rahma & E.b.

Irna, Aisha & I - our yearly reunion!

Shal, Noonie & I - Chandelier on Marina Walk

Last night - azza, aisha, minhoo, tony, me & fareeha