Grief

Last week was probably one of the worst i've had since returning to uni. You could say i brought it upon myself. But i had reached that point where i was simply tired...emotionally, mentally and physically. I knew that i had to do something about it. And with a little help from my person here, i did just that. I was warned it was going to hurt, i even knew it. I knew the answers that my questions would bring out, but knowing and hearing are two different things. I learnt one thing...no matter how much you prepare yourself, it's never what you expected.

I never expected any of this to happen, i didn't want this. All i wanted was to go home and bask in the comfort of being around people who knew me, inside and out. I don't regret the things that i've experienced, everything happens for a reason after all. But i do wish that everything would just solve itself now.

I really didn't go out looking for something to happen. It just did. That's how things are sometimes. You can't stop the feelings that suddenly flood in. Especially when you refuse to admit to having them and having others point it out to you first. I know that we're friends, and i'm glad we are, but it doesnt change the fact that you know i like you. Or the fact that you already know this. I don't know whether you realise what you say and what it may mean or if you're just teasing me. I blame myself more than I blame you, because at the end of the day, I can't force you to have the same feelings. But that doesn't mean you can't be upfront with me...the answers you've always given are all so vague. You tell other people something different to what you tell me.

You know what hurts even more? The fact that you can even think that the things that i've done or said have all come from the part of me that likes you. Remember one thing, i'm your friend first and foremost. All the things that we've talked, laughed, taken the piss out of are all from the part of me thats your friend. And you can't even approach any of this seriously. The one intense conversation we had scared me because for once you weren't joking or forcing humour into the convo.

I don't know how long it will take for us to be ok. I need to cut you out, thats the only way i can get over this. You didn't want anything to change, but don't you see that's easier for you? I put my heart out on the line and you just laughed it off. I love you as my friend, but i just need my space now.

We learnt yesterday that tears have a certain chemical in them, it's absorbed and acts as a sedative. At least i know that i'll get some sleep from that.