A little rant

So I'm sitting at my table praying and hoping my two little angels wont die. I've just changed most of their water, done all by the book. So now it's all just a waiting game. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check on them. Every time I walk into my room I check on them. A little taste of what having my own children would be like?

But it's good. Taking care of them is taking my mind of other things that I've been fretting about the past month or so. Although I sleep fine, I still wake up with a thousand questions and thoughts in my mind. And it really feels like I haven't slept at all. Fear and worry have pretty much taken up as much space as they can find up there. I keep trying to push them out, I do. But to no avail. This then leads to frustration. And just when I think frustration is something I can live with, the sadness and reality seep back in. Back to square one.

I apologise to my friends who have been getting more and more frustrated with my disappearance and hermit-ness. But its the kind of situation where you really don't know who to ask help from or to seek comfort in. Those who already know are too far away to console and comfort. Sure, the internet helps but a hug from a friend can never be replaced. I'm not ignoring you guys. I'm just trying to figure things out and I know I should be reaching out to you, but I dont know how. For many reasons. I miss you guys to bits! I really do.

We always say that we'd rather know than not. And in this situation I would be DAMN pissed off if I didnt know, but at the same time having the knowledge of the inevitable hurts. Alot. They always say pain makes you stronger. Let's see how this works out then...